Peter Pan

My mind has gone Peter Pan style on me.  Last night, my mind was racing with happy memories from my past- things that brought out a smile or giggle. I'm pretty sure it's a coping mechanism.  I have again been fighting back the fog of depression that is threatening to settle.  Some days are easier than others, but lately, the battle has been fierce.  I won't say I haven't given in at times.  It seems to manifest itself in my life in extremes- laying in bed all day with absolutely no desire to engage, or the frantic need to organize every aspect of my life; hiding from the world, or planning every minute of my day down to the second with lists and plans. 

But last night was new- this takeover of my mind of memories that I would never want to forget. I firmly believe the Spirit was preparing me for today, because today has been one of the worst I have had in a long time.  It most often attacks in the most normal of days, and the battle today almost took me down.   But you see, last night I had this undeniable urge to make a list (shocker, I know) of happy memories.  And once I started typing, it was like a dam was broken and things I hadn't thought of in years were brought to the surface. I believe, today, that that was the Spirit's leading to prep me for battle for this day.  While I was working today and driving the struggle bus, all the memories I had recorded last night kept creeping in and taking over when the attacks were particularly vicious. It was like God was saying, "Don't listen to the enemy. Dwell on these things that I placed in your life from the beginning to give you JOY."

This battle of  Joy vs. the lies Satan would have me believe about myself has been most exhausting. And the battle isn't over yet.  But I am determined to not waste these last few days I have with the kids before we start another school year. I am depending on those memories to give me the wings I need to stay out of that pit that threatens to drag me under. I am banking on the promise that He will be my "wall of fire all around, and the glory in my midst" (Zechariah 2:5).

Some will say I have shared too much and no one wants to read all of this- and I know that is another lie that is trying to be whispered in my ear.  Someone else needs to know they are not alone. Someone else needs to know there is someone who loves them and wants to give them JOY that can't be stolen or taken away based on a condition or circumstance.  Someone else needs to know they are loved by a Creator who wants to be THEIR wall of fire and the glory in their midst.  My story isn't over yet, and neither is yours.  ;





And for those who are curious about some of my happy memories and people that God has planted to bring me JOY, here are a few.  Hold on to your own for when your battles come, but don't forget to live in the now in the joy and freedom He gives!----

Sitting in my living room surrounded by a group of women who are studying the word and doing life together.

When a certain curly haired, blonde eyed cutie is snuggled up in my lap who completed our family.

In a worn, green padded pew that creaks with every tear shed and prayer whispered.

On a mission trip where I fell in love with a boy who turned out to be my best friend and love of my life.

A wooden bowl that has churned out homemade biscuits for decades, with hands covered in lard and flour.

A chosen sister who God brought into my life to fill a hole, in a earthly sister who is my glitter strand bff and is my calm, and a younger sister who is like my own.

A sassy pants woman-child who changed my life and gave me a new name.

A stack of tattered music books and endless hours of practice that taught me how to worship.

On a white and purple bike with a banana seat, with the wind blowing in my hair.

Care bear movies and chocolate milk in Tupperware cups.

Peppermints in sport coat pockets on Sunday mornings.

Special hand signals before bedtime prayers.

A gazebo on a beach where I finally surrendered to The Author of my days.

A little boy's smile that will always be my sunshine.